Life recipe 04: Devote energy to my marriage

You hear a lot about how hard it is to be a mom. But nobody ever tells you how hard it is to be a wife after you become a mom. So much of your attention, time, naturally goes to your children. Sometimes it’s a challenge to give your partner the energy they need.

I have to be the person I want to connect with and that requires action everyday.

I have to put positive energy into the things that are most important and that includes the relationship with my husband. When we are strong, we are modeling love to our children. They are learning how love and be loved, more than words could ever do. Here are some simple actions to strengthen your relationship with your spouse or partner, so you can in turn be better for your children.

Life recipe for devoting energy to your love relationship or marriage.

What you need:

  1. Presence
  2. Commitment

How to do it:.

  1. If I’m upset about something, start with how I’m feeling. Sometimes when I’m am stressed or worrying about something, I go on auto-pilot, not really being present and treating others how I would want to be treated. I’m expressing how I feel on the inside in a negative way outside of me. We tend to be the hardest on the people we love most. Dan once asked me to “talk to him like a human, like a person.” Remember to tell my husband how I’m feeling, and that makes space for feeling better and being kinder. 
  2. Respect that there are other ways of doing things. Sometimes its easy to believe the way I would do something is the only way. I need to respect there are different ways to achieve the same result. Criticizing the way my husband is doing something achieves only result-him not offering to do it again and I can’t do it all on my own.
  3. Consciously choose to compliment more than criticize. I never feel good after I criticize someone, especially my husband. And it usually spirals down from there, affecting both both of our moods negatively, and then that unconsciously spreads to our children. When I’m mindful of my words and choosing to compliment more than criticize everyday, our relationship gets stronger.
  4. Express our appreciation for one another every day. Keep spontaneity alive with unexpected notes, compliments, holding hands, and date nights. It feels good to be appreciated and after time it gets reciprocated. Its not always easy, but I can take simple actions everyday. Showing my appreciation always makes me feel as good as it does my husband.
  5. Carve time in our day for us as individuals and us a couple. There is not a lot of time as a parent. I have to make and prioritize time for the things that are most important to me and the relationship with my husband is at the top of the list, second only to myself. Making time for each other is important and that means saying no to other things. Saying yes to him makes me be better for all the other things.

It starts with me. I can take action everyday to keep our relationship strong—so we can be better for our children.

I have to do this because in the end there is nothing better than being with someone who knows you better than you know yourself. We are always growing and evolving and its better to do it with someone. Having someone to share all the joys of parenting makes the joy even greater. And having someone to face the really tough things with makes it easier to handle.

Children learn the most by what they feel and see, not by what they hear.

I think our children model us more than we think or may want. As Carl Jung said “children are educated by what the grown-up is and not by his talk.” If I am not loving and respecting my husband first, how can my children learn to love and be loved?

“The first person to apologize is the bravest. The first person to forgive is the strongest. The first person to forget is the happiest.” – Unknown

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